I read a lot of war history and also stories of “survival against the odds”. I’m intrigued by shipwrecks and disasters and wars and the tales of heroism and bravery that emerge from these tragedies. I’m glad that I’ve never had to face any ultimate tests in my lifetime, but I also can’t help but wonder how I well would stand up if I had to and if I would have what it takes to survive or save others.
One day, around 2000, my wife Nina and I were visiting my parents at their home in Grand Bay, New Brunswick. We were in the elevated living room, looking at old photo albums. It was a quiet, sunny day – the unassuming kind of day that is beautiful and begs to be seized, but by the same token is calming and peaceful enough that one doesn’t seize it and feels only contentment in the relaxing whiling away of the hours. It was the kind of beautiful day that a dog would happily spend snoozing in a sunny spot near a window, which incidentally is exactly what ours was doing at the time a few feet away.
All of a sudden, Nina let rip a massive fart. If farts can be rated by the four criteria of loudness, stinkiness, distance travelled, and hang time, this one was a 4 out of 4. It had it all. It was a perfect storm of flatulence. I was at ground zero and that fart wasn’t going anywhere. It was bad.
The sound was enough to wake up the dog, and the smell enough to tell him it was Time To Go. During his hasty exit from the living room, he passed my mom on the stairs that connected it to the rest of the house. My mom innocently walked into the living room, completely unaware of the scene she was entering.
As she strode up to the couch, she cheerfully announced, “Hey, your dad just lit the barbeque if you want to –“
She stopped dead in her tracks as she hit the wall of that invisible cloud. Time slowed down. Nina froze in horror, and in slow motion my mom’s face turned to an expression of simultaneous shock, confusion, and disgust.
My entire life crystalized before me and I knew without a doubt that “This Was It”. When I got up that morning, it had been the furthest thing from my mind, but we don’t get to choose our time and place. It chooses us. This was my time and life would judge me for what I did next. Manifest Destiny.
As Nina looked on paralyzed, I took action. I looked at my mom and said, “Sorry Mom”. My mom’s shock and confusion abated, leaving only disgust as she looked at me and said, “Well you should be.” She then turned to Nina and said, “I don’t know how you put up with him.” Then, like our dog, she got out of there as fast as she could, leaving me, Nina, and the fart alone again.
This is the most heroic thing I have ever done.
